A Monoblog

What do you call a series of events that happen simultaneously in your life, which was actually nothing, but somehow it gives meaning to your life?

Like finally talking to a certain person that you have met over and over again in the bus you usually take for work and find out that both of you went to the same elementary school, then five years later, you married that person.

Or being introduced to someone whom you only know on name-basis for years and ended up being in a 2-year relationship with that person.

Or maybe, dreaming about somebody out of the blue and around the same time, that person you’ve dreamt about, was actually dreaming about you too.

What do you call that? Is it fate? Or is it coincidence? Which one do you think it is?

I personally don’t believe in coincidence. There must be a bigger power ‘out there’ that planned all of this. The power that most people call God. They can call it whatever they want for all I care. But that power exist, I’m sure of that.

I believe that each and everyone of us is given a huge map when we were born. A map that consists of a bunch of paths that we have to make throughout our life. A map that is full with choices and options. A map that only has one destination: life itself.

Each turn that we take will lead us to a different story. It will never be the same. But then again, since it’s a map, everything is already planned out. It’s only a matter of choices that take us to where we are right now.

I believe that there’s always a reason behind everything that happened in our life. You don’t meet one person at one place in certain time just for the sake of meeting. It can’t be. There must be some hidden meaning behind that meeting that we, as human being, haven’t figured out.

That is why I don’t believe in coincidence.

Jesse didn’t just happen to meet Celine in Vienna. And nine years later, Celine didn’t just happen to be in the bookstore in Paris where Jesse held his book signing. And as you all know, nine years after that, they didn’t just happen to be married and stroll along the shore in Greece.

David didn’t just meet Elise in the mens room after he failed to be elected as a Senator. Something was meant to be happening following that meeting because they kept meeting each other after that.

I know I am referring to movies which are fictional and obviously not real. But somehow, among the six billions people who live in this world, those kinds of things happened! I know that by experience.

So excuse me if I sound delusional. But I believe that everything is fated. I believe it by heart.

More and more people are advancing in their lives. High school friends are either getting engaged, or better, they got married. A few of them even already have children of their own.

So do college friends.

Some have found their dream jobs, some are still in the phase of figuring out on what they want to do in life. Some have settled with their path, some haven’t.

Love was either found, lost, or yet to be found. And life still presents itself as the most confusing riddle, waiting to be answered. Is there even any answer?

As we decide on our never-ending choices, new options arise, making life more complicated than it already is. And day after day, we wish that we were still wearing that white and gray uniform, when our biggest problem was the unfinished homework. We wish we still have that much time to just sit back and talk all day in the packed college cafeteria, not caring about the next class or your empty attendance.

We, whether you like it or not, are moving forward. Time drags us along with him to the future. What is the future? It’s a mystery that no one has ever solved.

No wonder making choices is hard, nowadays. We are left with no clues whatsoever. We only have our bravery with tiny bits of experience. It is scary yet exciting at the same time. Sounds fun, doesn’t it? And yes, I was being sarcastic.

Being surrounded with people who seem to have mapped out their entire future in front of them, I feel lost. Where does that leave me? Am I moving forward? Or have I actually been walking on the same spot?

Writer’s note:

Lama-lama isi tumblr gue depresif ya. Harus dikurang-kurangin ini sih kayaknya. Mohon maaf kepada pembaca (yang entah ada, entah tiada) kalo jadi stres gara-gara baca posting-an gua. Sungguh, ini bukan salah bunda mengandung.

Belakangan ini saya merasa bahwa kami adalah barang elektronik dan sumber listrik yang tegangannya berbeda. Yang jika disatukan maka akibatnya kalau bukan korslet ya rusak sekalian.

Well, mungkin ngga se-ekstrem itu. Cuma saya sedang merasa bahwa sedikit demi sedikit, lapisan perbedaan itu mulai muncul. Ada hal-hal yang ternyata tidak sama di antara kami.

Saya yang “ke-kota-kota-an”. Yang hobinya nongkrong di coffee shop. Yang jalan-jalannya ke mall. Yang belanjaannya di toko buku adalah novel fiksi, atau majalah fashion dan lifestyle. Yang punya ketertarikan dengan gosip-gosip artis sebagai hiburan walaupun jarang nonton acara gosip di TV. Yang kerjaannya melototin Fashion Police di E! Channel.

Sedangkan dia? Bacaan favoritnya adalah koran Kompas dan buku-buku sejarah atau biografi tokoh ternama. Dia yang tidak mengerti apa menariknya membaca People atau Us Weekly. Yang terobsesi ingin berlangganan History Channel kalau punya TV Cable di kost-an atau di rumah. Yang pernah bilang ke saya, “Kamu abis nonton konser Kpop sama pergi ke Korea, masih mau Korea-Korea-an lagi sampai kapan?”

Cita-citanya mulia: ingin mengusahakan agar masyarakat pada umumnya bisa mandiri dan berswasembada. Dia pernah bilang kalau apa yang ia lakukan sekarang akan menjadi modal untuk mewujudkan cita-citanya di masa depan. Dia yang tujuan utamanya adalah jadi Presiden Republik Indonesia.

Sementara saya? Cita-cita saya mentok jadi ibu rumah tangga. Saya lagi pengen-pengennya belajar merajut dan les masak. Saya belum pernah hidup mandiri jadi anak rantau di luar kota. Jadi kurang paham juga bisa survive tinggal di kota yang bukan Jakarta atau ngga. Buat saya, ekonomi dan politik itu kurang menarik. Dibahas sesekali ngga apa-apa. Tapi bukan porsi saya untuk membahas secara mendetil. Ngga paham dan ngga tertarik.

Saya lalu berpikir, bisa ngga ya saya menyesuaikan diri dengan cita-citanya? Dengan tujuan hidupnya? Dengan apa yang ingin dia lakukan?

Saya bukannya mau melebih-lebihkan perbedaan yang kami punya. Tapi sejujurnya, saya takut. Saya takut ngga sanggup. Saya takut saya ngga bisa menyesuaikan “tegangan listrik” kami sehingga akhirnya kami akan “korslet”.

Dan saya ngga mau kami “korslet”.

Ia hanya selintas angin di malam gelap

Menjelma bunyi di sela pepohonan, menghilangkan senyap yang pengap

Menjadikannya teman di tengah gamang

Berdansa bersama kunang-kunang di remang pelita

Sesaat ada, untuk kemudian hilang ditelan matahari subuh

Dan nanti, cakrawala kembali kau kuasai

Selayaknya. Sejatinya.